.Melodydawnlove

2010-09-28T23:06:00.001-07:00

I'm getting close to making an exception.
But there can only be one.

2010-09-27T23:18:00.000-07:00

You have my attention.

2010-09-07T23:30:00.000-07:00

It comes and goes, but it's here right now:
I feel like a misfit.
Well, not so much a misfit, there's nothing "wrong" with me, just more like I don't fit.

A circle trying to be a square.
I just wish I knew where I fit.

San Diego perhaps?

2010-08-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

If my heart was a compass, you'd be north.

I'll risk it all, because you will catch me when I fall.

If my heart was a house, you'd be home.

2010-08-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

What I'm feeling and thinking, I can't quite put my finger on to name it.

-Also, tonight convinced me there is a cricket living behind the bookcase in my hallway.

Goodnight Mr. Cricket.

2010-07-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

The opposite of love is not hate,
but indifference.

2010-06-29T22:15:00.001-07:00

Can someone just label me the least committed blogger ever and let me go home?
Thanks.

2010-05-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Cherry. Cherry. Cherry.
Lemon.
Cherry. Cherry. Cherry.

OCD much?

2010-05-21T22:02:00.001-07:00

More often than not it seems, I want something that I know will ultimately be the wrong choice.
And in that, a waste of time.
But I keep on wanting it.
Lame.

Irony is

2010-05-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

2010-04-29T22:51:00.001-07:00

You know what drives me nuts?
When people naturally assume their life is harder than yours, and that you should thus submit to that fact, and sympathize with them and agree, that, yes, indeed, their life, while nearly identical to your's, is in fact, the harder life.

2010-04-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

"God showed up this weekend..."

-wow.
I was shocked to hear that come out of someone's mouth, and yet, when I realized who'd said it, not shocked at all.
I can't even begin to go into how wrong I think the statement is. I can't even verbalize it.
If this was God really showing up, then it would imply that when results are not as strong, God didn't show up? Isn't God in everything though?
God. Showed. Up.
Like he might not? What does that even mean.
What a narrow view of God and his providence.

thoughts? [can you verbalize why this is wrong better than me?]

2010-04-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

“love should be like a polaroid, instant?”

nah.

love should be like a polaroid, overpriced, hung on the wall, and never quite what you think it will be.

just kidding, i dont know what i think of love.

2010-04-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe Jesus has a different plan.
-sjg

2010-04-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

This weather is fitting my afternoon mood to a T.

2010-04-04T00:03:00.001-07:00

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy am I still awake?

oh, right; because I have been battling a severe case of insomnia.

2010-03-28T13:59:00.001-07:00

Just got back from a four mile run.
Thought it'd be easier if I made everything hurt.

Someone please pass me the vicodin.

Everything

2010-03-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

...stentences that are running through my head currently...

Can someone just please hold me?
Evan and Bailey are engaged. Legit.
I hate school. This is never going to end.
The beach sounds wonderful, please come quickly Saturday.
Sometimes I think I'm too much of a stickler with commitment, but that's probably a good thing-- in the long run, I know I'll feel better about making the grown up choice; it's just that right now the grown up choice is no fun at all.
My sister is moving back to the centeral valley--whaaaaaaat??
Summer time is so close. I'm excited for my first summer in Fresno.
This whole vaguely sick for weeks at a time thing is crap-- am I ever going to feel better again?
I'm sorry, could we please talk about what just happened? And what's not been happening? Great thanks.
I want to go on a cruise at the end of summer-- who's going with me?
Why am I such a touch person? This is midly embarrassing.
My birthday is in three weeks. What to do, what to do...
Working to 630 is for the birds.
Spring break starts tomorrow at 2pm. Praise Jesus.

Dear Diary

2010-03-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

I hate that even with 3,000 miles separating us, thanks to stinkin' A.G. Bell and his dumb "invention", my parents can set my heart into so much --there's no other word to describe how I feel but-- distress.

A five minute conversation, a topic that shouldn't have created any tension, was corroded with muffled words and silent pauses.

Clearly I'd interrupted something.

It's like I'm 16 all over again.

Twins! I Win!

2010-03-15T00:55:00.000-07:00

[or, 'I am a girl, with girl thoughts and girl feelings.']

Remember that commercial for The Game of Life?

... clearly I do, or I would not have titled my post after it.

I remember the Christmas my sister Allison got the game and we gorged ourselves on it, playing it over and over, for days on end. Will I pick the white car or the blue one? Go to college or start a career right away? ...College meant being a little behind and in debt before you even got your first spin on the 10 speed dial, but you could end up making more money--unless you had a midlife crisis and someone forced you to change pay rate cards with them (oh the horror). I remember that you always got paid, even if you sailed pass paydays spots, and you HAD to stop and get married.
Great job being realistic on how college verse career works Hasbro, yet I feel pretty confident that's not how marriage is going to work. (Unfortunately.) I also remember that if you stopped on a baby spot, you had to have the baby, even if you didn't have anymore space in your car from them. Again, a bit of a harsh reality to force on children 8 & up,
don't you think Hasbro?

Anyway.
So in Residency we have the occasional assignments-- like, map out Moses' life (best when done on a Bob Marley 'Exodus' poster), or teach the Planks of Genesis to two or more people...
our current, and possibly last, project, is to make our life path to 70 years of age.

Whaaaaaaat? [freak out]

For the girl who loves to plan, but can hardly plan what she's going to be doing two weeks from now [aww c'mon, give me a little credit], and who had the attention span of a six year old when it comes to sticking with one things or another as far as cities and school and career choices go, the thought of mapping out the next 50 odd years is...

--unthinkable,
and yet,
something I can't stop thinking about.

What.
do.
I.
want.

Mike gave us four categories to work under:

School/Career goals
Spiritual goals
Family goals
Life into Retirement goals

I've got some of the school/career goals mentally figured out. I know what my family crest is going to look like, drawn at the top of this assignment. I've got a few spiritual goals for the next few years at least, but I'm not so sure in the long term. Life into retirement I feel like I've got a few aces up my sleeve to help this game out. But as far as family in of itself goes, I still feel a bit intimidated to make a bold statement such as "I want to be married by..."--I don't know. 25? So terrifyingly close, and yet, so old?... I don't know what to put even here, and this is just a dumb blog.

All these thoughts of life planning... I think about the things I want to do, accomplish--and it seems like whenever it comes back to family, I just don't quite know how to wrap it up neatly in a box and tie a bow on it. It seems un-box-able. [boxen. geesen.--comic relief anyone?] I think this hyper-awareness to marriage is due to being surrounded by so many newly married/engaged/well-meaning-but-meddling closely aged friends who are living the dream and want everyone else to being living it too, even when there may or may not be a lack of available male participation in the female's life. If I had a dollar for every promised set up I've gotten in the past few months, I'd have enough money to get the rest of my tattoo done.

[ok, maybe that's an exaggeration]

Since when is it that as soon as you hit the late 21s into 22s, everyone is super intent in seeing you with someone? I mean, that's nice that they're concerned,

but... I mean, ...what if...?.what about..
Well, you know...

..I feel like thoughts of marriage and family have been tucked away safely in hiding for quite some time now-- and should they dare poke out their darling faces, there is the snarling dog of defeat, teeth bared to scare them back into submission, with snaps like "There is no possible way you will never have a successful marriage; look at what a disaster you are; why would you ever burden someone with all your crap?; look at your parents, why would you want something like that?"

It's super awesome to have to defend your hopes and dreams against yourself.

Not.
Sometimes we are our own cancer.

Mike and Brad both, in Residency, have made comments along the lines of seeing beautiful, vivacious, smart and spiritually driven women who are standing by themselves, waiting to be noticed, and they can't for the life of themselves figure out why boys can't see the beautiful spirit waiting to be pursued.
When ever they mention these young women, I can't help but think there's no way they are including me in that group.

I know, I know, I need to stop being such a pessimistic peggy and negative nelly and what have you on myself. If I am made in the image of Christ, and my identity is in him, then I have an inherent value.

I am worth more than a sparrow or a lily of the field.
And not just a little, but far more.

I've been working to train my thoughts in this...
But it's a process,
for sure.

...Within the next two months, the last of Sleezer dynasty, other than myself, will marry off. The last name will change and than there will be one.

Me.

Terrifying.
I'm not sure why exactly; but I find it to be.

I think I'm mostly weirded out by the fact that we Sleezer girls are of the marrying and family age--we're grown up. We're no longer playing the boardgame of life, but living it. I'm sorry-- when did that happen? I think I missed the memo.

I remember playing in the Baton Rouge yard like it was yesterday. Roadtrips to Gma's house like it was just last week. The last time I saw my dad be affectionate to my mom. The day we got our bear. Building reading forts in the living room and listening to christmas music. Hating saturdays because they meant yard work. Jumping the fence to Jax and Shirley's. That summer.

My brain is on overload of processing

+ full-time work + full-time school + residency + lifegroup + church + everything...

I knew this year was going to be hard, with a very heavy plate, I just didn't quite understand how much so.

Even after sleeping two days this past week, I'm still beyond tired. I feel like a disease has settled into my bones, and set up a homestead. It's mostly commonly called exhaustion.
I need this semester to be done.
Like, yesterday.

I need a break.
But mostly what I need is a breakthrough.

The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the sprit. Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:1-3

2010-03-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

I've dropped probably 10 more images into the T-file.
And they're all colored. [Thanks for the blunt encouragement Jess.]
I want them all.
Right now.
oy vay.

Room Temp Coffee

2010-02-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly. It is what is expected of them, what they believe 'good Christians' do, so they go. Isaiah 29:13

Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church... as long as it doesn't impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so. After all, God loves a cheerful giver, right? 1 Chron 21:24, Luke 21:1-4

Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict. They desire to fit both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives. Luke 6:26, Rev 3:1, Matt 23:5-7

Lukewarm people don't really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin. They don't genuinely hate sin and aren't truly for it; they're merely sorry because God is going to punish them. Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one. John 10:10, Rom 6:1-2

Lukewarm people are moved by stories about people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for 'extreme' Christians, not average ones. Lukewarm people call 'radical' what Jesus expected of all his followers. (James 1:22, James 4:17, Matt 21:28-31)

Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors, co-workers or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion. Matt 10:32-33

Lukewarm people gauge their morality or 'goodness' by comparing themselves to the secular world. They feel satisfied that while they aren't as hard-core for Jesus as so-and-so, they are nowhere as horrible as the guy down the street. Luke 18:11-12

Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed, part of their lives. But only a part. They give Him a section of their time, their money and their thoughts, but He isn't allowed to control their lives. Luke 9:57-62

Lukewarm people love God, but they do not love Him with all their heart, soul and strength. They would be quick to assure you that they try to love God that much, but that sort of devotion isn't really possible for the average person; it's only for pastors, missionaries and radicals. Matt 22:37-38

Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love of others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with. There is little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, whose kids are better athletes than theirs, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable. Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached. Matt 5:43-47, Luke 14:12-14

Lukewarm people will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go, or how much time, money and energy they are willing to give. Luke 18:21-25

Lukewarm people think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven. Daily life is mostly focussed on today's to-do list, this week's schedule and next month's vacation. Rarely, if ever, do they consider the life to come. Regarding this, C. S. Lewis wrote, 'If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.' Phil 3:18-20, Col 3:2

Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor. They are quick to point out, 'Jesus never said money is the root of all evil, only the love of money is.' Untold numbers of lukewarm people feel 'called' to minister to the rich; very few feel 'called' to minister to the poor. Matt 25: 34, 40, Isaiah 58:6-7

Lukewarm people do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty. They want to do the base minimum, to be 'good enough' without it requiring too much of them. They ask, 'How far can I go before it's considered a sin?' instead of 'How can I keep myself pure as a temple of the Holy Spirit?'... 1 Chron 29:14, Matt 13:44-46

Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control. This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and taking risks for God. 1 Tim 6:17-18, Matt 10:28

Lukewarm people feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptizd, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America. Just as the prophets in the Old Testament warned Israel that they were not safe just because they lived in the land of Israel, so we are not safe just because we wear the label Christan or becuase some poeple persist in calling us a "Christian nation." Matt 7:21, Amos 6:1

Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their saving account. They don't need God to help them - they have their retirement plan in place. They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out. They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health. The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God. Luke 12:16-21, Hebrews 11

Lukewarm people probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren't very different from your typical unbeliever. They equate their partially sanitized lives with holiness, but that couldn't be more wrong. Matt 23:25-28

Room temp coffee. No one likes it.
Don't be it.

the opposite of love is not hate, but rather, apathy.

It's been a week

2010-02-23T22:14:00.000-08:00

[just thought I'd try and capture what's been on my mind lately--
a: I've been working for St Agie almost a month now and while F&N is no final destination, it has opened my eyes to a whole world of possibilities in the medical realm. Mama Janie couldn't be prouder and I'm excited to see where it takes me.

b. I'm still sleeping on the floor, even after getting my first check, but I was able to pay all my bills and set some money aside, which felt like a huge sigh of relief.
Best part of getting my check? Tithing. Win.

c- I am re-reading crazy love.
I feel like I'm desperate for this good news now more than ever.
If you haven't read it, you should.
p.s. best friend, if you haven't read it/haven't bought the book, don't- I'm sending you mine with my notes in it.

d< In case you were wondering, attempting to do stats homework at 1030 at night doesn't always make the most sense. I feel like I very well may drown in a sea of homework. Here's to writing that bio research paper due March 11th!

e= Life has been leaving more frequently than I know how to handle-- two close deaths within a week? I hate to say it, but I'm waiting for the third. They say new life makes losing life easier to understand, but what if the life lost was new?...

f no facebook has been a breeze. here's to another, what, month-ish? -without it. on the other hand, life without dp is pretty bleak. I miss you doctor.

g. I'm going to Ikea and the beach this saturday. I couldn't be more pleased.

h my knee has been giving me beef again.
I'm pretty mad about that.

i my sister sent me a gift card for a massage. Sweet 6lb 8 oz baby Jesus, can't wait to use that sucker.

j this sunday was a struggle for acceptance of forgiveness. this whole weekend, actually. I felt like over and over my past and wounds of crap choices were torn open again and again-- why is it so hard for me to accept that God's grace is MORE than enough? that his grace is not some tightly stretched covering, barely masking my mistakes, but that it is abundantly encompassing them, overwhelmingly so as to not even give a glimpse of the past.
I'm still feeling the implications of my choices, even after two years. Who'd have thought.
You know what really gets me though? It is made as if a one sided joke. What a crock.
G made the comment the other night when we were out to coffee that he thinks I have these fronts up as protection because I've been hurt too much before. --[They are not done with intentionality, but] duh. Thank you, captain obvious.

k- I'm still thinking about my little mortin salt girl. I'm wanting her now more than ever. {you may even say she's under my skin}

l. there is something to be said for the comfort that comes from just being held. oh that God has created us with the sense of touch. sitting alone at that funeral was possibly one of the worst things I've ever had to do. never again. {touch me, tell me that you love me}

m. a dog would be nice

n. The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. ]

and much has changed.

Lenty Lent Lent Lent

2010-02-16T22:46:00.000-08:00

I've never hard core given anything up for lent before, but I thought, I'm a grown up, why not this year?

So, in no particular order, for the next 40 days I will be living without:
Facebook
Soda
Cussing
Homework

Ok, maybe not so much that last one, but the other three are valid. I may not do so much of the last two already, but I want them all the way out-

Consider them officially kicked to the curb.

Good habits, I can feel you forming already

{sort of like how osteocytes form concentric rings around central canals to form osteons, the basic repeating structure of bones...-Ooooooooh bio, I just love you so so much!}

Censored

2010-02-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight is just one of those nights

when I just don't want to have to wear clothes.

You are eight feet tall. Your boobs are perfect. Your hair is down to there. If I was you I would just walk around naked all the time. I wouldn't have a job, I wouldn't have any skills, I wouldn't even know how to read. I would just be... naked.

2010-02-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

All I've got to say is,

If you know truth, don't let three months pass and then have to have someone else bring it up.

2010-02-01T22:27:00.000-08:00

Just a thought I had today-- how often do we excel with excellence and seek success? what do we do with excellence in life, and what do we let slip by, not thinking of the implications that may be seen or felt later on, but for right now is "ok"?
What if everyone slacked, just a little, just a tenth of a percent, presenting a 99.9% success rate, verses a 100%?
Well, here's what that would look like:

22,000 checks per hour deducted from wrong accounts
32,000 missed heartbeats per person each year
5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flat.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.
$761,900 will be spent in the next 12 months on tapes and CDs that won't play.
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed each day.
315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language will turn out to be misspelled.
Two unsafe landings at OHare Airport each day
16,000 lost pieces of mail per hour
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions per year

and my personal favorite:
50 newborn babies dropped each day by doctors

Let's stop dropping babies.

War in my Blood

2010-01-26T15:16:00.000-08:00

. . .

Someone at Starbucks this morning asked me if I was reading for school...
It felt like an honor to be able to reply that no, I was reading for pleasure.

-How much do I take for granted that I have the ability to read this book? First, to even have been taught to read. Second, that I can buy a book. Thirdly, that it is of the subject matter it is.
Amazing.
Funny how we lump all parts of an action together and become ungrateful. Not in that we're intentionally not thankful, but rather we consistently choose to be unaware, staying naive of how blessed we truly are.

{Or how about just being grateful that the building I'm sitting in, is not crumbling around me?}

{btw, I have no idea even what {}s are called, but I'm loving how they look today and thus will use them as I see fit. Don't hate.}

Anyway, as far as the book goes, it's a hard read {come on, let's get real here, it's Piper.}, but I feel like I am grasping it gradually as I read chapters [sentences] over [and over. and over]. The chapter I am currently in is

Joy and the Supremacy of Christ.

{what I would really like to do right here is just copy and paste the entire chapter, but that would be plagiarism[because I absolutely wouldn't give credit to the author] and that is frowned upon.}
In it, Piper talks about using our example, Jesus, for finding what the source of our joy must be for it to be complete.

The ultimate source of Jesus' joy in doing his Father's will is seeing the Father's glory and being glorified with the Father.

We were made by God to get our deepest joys not from being superior ourselves but from enjoying God's superiority.

::As I attempt to look at myself with the right perspective, of how small I am, in comparison to Christ's magnitude, I begin to enjoy Christ more deeply and my fear of him grows as well. [No, not the bad one, the healthy one. Like cholesterol.]

As I understand his superiority, I am humbled and filled with thankfulness that he uses the broken things of this world.
{Going with a tangent that I just thought of; try and keep up.
Broken things.
Things in this world that are broken, or that we associate with the word broken.
In our Western thoughts, we view broken things as worthless, of little use, no longer wanted, to be pushed aside.
But what needs to be broken first to be fully used, to all potential?
When you break soil, you give it the ability to be fertilized, to accept nutrients and seeds, which can then produce a harvest. But first you have to break the soil.
Go with me on this ::Broken clouds pour forth rain. Broken grain makes bread. A broken alabaster box anointed the Prince of Peace.
Broken, broken, broken.
.}
{I Corin. 1:26-31}
[You know how after you spell a word too many times in a row it begins to look like you've spelt it wrong? That's how broken looks to me now.]

Anyway.
I'm thankful my God is superior, so much bigger than me. A goal in this life is to somehow make Him too big, grander than he is, to over estimate his power and might.
To get to heaven, and have him say “You made me to be too much.” ...

One other thing I've been mulling over
[mmm... mulling spices and fall and pumpkins and leaves and orange... No, I haven't recently been occasionally fighting symptoms of A.D.--SQUIRREL!] as I've been in RESIDENCE.
KNOWLEDGE.
How far do you fight for understanding and knowledge, verses at what point do you give it up and say, “This is enough for me to understand?” and to be content in that.
I find that more frequently than not, for me personally, I feel satisfied at a medium-ish deep level. Defiantly want it further than surface, and to have a depth and breath- but on average, I feel happy to accept things as they are and truth for what I read it to be in the Bible and what respectable and researched scholars have to say.

Sure, there are topics I search out myself to form an opinion on, but realistically, that's not every time, and I'm fine with that.
As much as I'm ok with this part of me, sometimes I feel guilty, like I'm somehow short changing myself and also not satisfying God's desire for me to know him and his power.
When we love things, we have a desire to understand them on a deeper level.

But there is something to be said for magic and taking things at face value. What happened to 'faith like a child?'

It's funny, as much as I fight being traditional, in my old age, I guess I am. I look at things, and if they are black and white, I have no desire to mix them together to create gray. Whatever. It's classy.
And it's not that I don't care, in a lazy way, but that I don't find value in seeking out answers to questions that ultimately don't need answering.

People who find it necessary to debate about meaningless topics make no sense to me. Why are you trying to pick a fight with me? Can't we all just get along?

Sometimes I think people think I'm a passive person because rarely do I fight to know a secret. It's not that I don't care, but I guess I just like a little mystery. What's the fun in breaking cells apart so you see everything and there is no mystery as to why it does as it does? I just don't need to know. It does what it does, and I'll do what I do.
This is probably why science and I are not besties...
But I mean, is that wrong? To not constantly be searching out in high depth(is that an oxy moron? High depth?...hmmm), to not always have to have the answers, but to sometimes just live in wonder?

The whole point of seeing through something [explaining it away] is to see something through it. It is good that the window should be transparent, because the garden beyond it is opaque. How if you saw through the garden too? If you see through everything, then everything is transparent. But a wholly transparent world... is an invisible world. To 'see through' all things is the same as not to see.

Well, I guess C. S. Lewis didn't think so.
At least I've got one good one on my team.

On a one hundred percent different note, in altogether different key:
This ones for you boys {yeah, I know you're all reading this; secretly. Like when you read your sister's diary. And you like it and even occasionally think it's funny. It's ok, we don't have to talk about it.}
Tip of the day
Pay for her coffee.
Seriously.
I don't care who she is. Your sister, your friend, your I-wish-we-were-more, your I-wish-we-were-less, your mom, your mom's mom- who ever your lady is that you're out with.
In doing this small, kind gesture, you will impress the hell out of the lady and she will enjoy her coffee even more, knowing you were thoughtful enough to cover her and she will be grateful that there are still men like you in the world and suddenly the loser who was hitting on her just hours before at Starbuck who wouldn't get the hint will be thrown from the window of her mind and she will stop thinking all men are--Uuuuh... I mean--

Well.

You get my drift.

okithinkthatsitgoodbye.

MY BABY'S SOFT AND SWEET. SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A FLOWER AND A GUN.

2010-01-25T01:00:00.001-08:00

Your past may shape you.
It does not have to define you.

-chew on that for breakfast.

Tip of my Tounge

2010-01-22T22:41:00.001-08:00

{or, Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. . .}

Ok, so today was mediocre at best
--that is, till I got home tonight.
Because tonight was the fateful night I'd choose to remember to research a band Airman Goetz told me about. Best friend, way to have my back and keep a look out for my ear's best interests.

Fall in love, with

The Civil Wars
John Paul White and Joy Williams

Joy, no joke, Stephen and I agreed you are only allowed to sing folk from now on; got it?

So here's the best part kids:
you can download a free 7 track EP album from them on their Myspace.

Awesome.
I know.

Merry Christmas.
for 2010.
Don't say I didn't give you anything.

You're welcome.

So tonight I talked to SJGoetz, which was a delight, as always.
Misssh you. Thanks for being a part of my life, you are an encouragement.
P.S. I can't believe you still haven't told your parents.

Also tonight, I found out my new friend, Steven Sanchez Jr., does not like In-n-Out fries.
Clearly, we are a match made in heaven, as we are quite possibly the only two people in California who feel that way, and have both found ourselves the victim of various hate crimes.
[No, I don't want to talk about it. I'm saving it for a narrative.]
What can we say; we fight the tide and stand up for what we believe [eat]. Or as the case may be, don't eat.

I'd say tonight worked itself out right in the last few hours.

Only one more shift at HomeGoods. Thank the Lord.
This time next week I'll be SD, with any luck, knocking back a few.

I'm excited for tomorrow, my first Saturday off since I started working at HomeGoods.
I can't wait to love on Ashlyn, and spend some quality sister sister time. Heyyyyyyyo!

This is the sum; these are a few of my favorite things.

{I haven't done a confessional in quite some time, so here goes:
I'm secretly pleased there were no white left in my size, resulting in having to get black.
Beezey?]

The Upside of Disaster

2010-01-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

Well hey there faithful reader, are you in for a treat tonight!
A picture blog.

You're welcome.

Pretty much my evening.

Studying.

I was at Panera, where I drank down this lovely:

while wearing this beanie:

I was told I looked like an Olsen twin.

Of course, I twittered my thoughts on if this should be a compliment or concern...
via this:

when what I should have been doing was:

or

While I was at Panera I also

Josh, about his new boo.

Now, before you go off and judge me, thinking I'm just some twitteringtextytiffany,

Today I did read some of

and also finished purchasing my wedding day outfit [for my sister's wedding, not mine- doi].

Keeping it classy with the pearls and cardigan.
June-y would be so proud.

But than again, that's just how we do in

Also, on a most delightful note, I spent three hours and more with my darling CharChar, who bestowed this upon my wrist, from Kenya

You know what they say, "If you like it then you should put a --bracelet-- on it."
Yes please.

I also went in to get my test read:

"Look St. Agie, no TB!"

Tomorrow I'll go back to have my drug test results read and sign my life over.
In return I'll receive a photo ID and staff parking permit.
An excellent trade, I'd say.

And on a high note kids, it's been almost a year:

High five for me?

Best friend--this is at you.
This is what I'd like to be doing soon.

Capisce?

It's back to this now

Friends, thanks for letting me be a part of your life.
I love you each very much.

Sincerely,
M

And it is my prayer, that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruits of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Circular File

2010-01-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

I apologize right now for any of you hoping for some meaningful, thoughtful, deep or spiritual post-- or even something light hearted. Some days I don't think I have enough brain power to get an ant's go-cart around the inside track of a cherrio, but today my brain has got way too many thoughts, and not enough space, so I'm sorting through, listing a few, and taking the rest to the circular file...
Proceed with caution, at your own risk.

Case o1.
-I'm tired of being emotionally worn out. In the past 6 months I've had more emotion than I've had in years and they have been getting progressively stronger still.
What. the. heck.
How do I regain control and moderation? Emotions are a creation of God, and therefore, good--but I don't think God created me to be more full of frustration and anxiety than joy and peace; so why can't I be more frequently filled with those? I know that I need to continue to fill myself with wholesome things, because "garbage in, garbage out", but it doesn't seem to be working as strongly as I'd like. It just seems, more often than not, that I'm feeling emotions that I'd rather not, and it's rendering me empty and void.
I have yet to find a solution to the problem.

Case o2.
-How frequently do I jump on a bandwagon, and than a few months later say "Oh yeah God, could you show me if this is what you want for me?"
Embarrassing.

I feel I'm doing it right now.
Guess it's time to slow down, walk quietly, and take time to be in his presence more.

Case o3.
-I keep thinking how hard life is right now, with how "little" I have.
ew.
Really? Who am I kidding?
I live in one of the richest-ish countries, with my own apartment, a car and generally speaking, food in my stomach.
{but I have to say, the effects of the broke-ass-college-student-diet are really starting to look nice on me.}
And yet, I still find it easy to be consumed with that I "need" or "should have". I disgust myself.
I have SO MUCH.
And I keep making jokes about how at some point I will look back on this and laugh at the time in my life when candles were a splurge...
but maybe it's better this way.
I can't help but think about the verses in the Bible that talk about "he who is trusted much will be given much, and he who is trusted little will be given little."
Right now I'm being given little (or so it feels), but I can't help but step back and wonder how trust worthy am I?

Awesome.
Yet another thing to work on.

Not gonna lie though, it'd be awfully nice to have a mattress.
...Soon.
God has just blessed me with a new job, and tax returns are coming... it will all work out, and God will be glorified more for it.

Case o4.
-I am determined to keep my mouth shut and my hands tied. And by determined, I mean, I've gone back and forth and back and forth, and I'm going back to right where I started, because I know I'm RIGHT.
Who knew bullheadedness could be so handy?

Case o5.
-I'm getting really good at keeping my thoughts to myself when people don't ask for them.
I think it's catching people off guard.

Case o6.
-I really want to go on a trip soon. Maybe this summer... Costa Rica? Yes, please.

Case o7.
-Miss Independent, Live Like We're Dying and Love is a Song have been on repeat. I would love to buy them on iTunes, but I settle for listening to them on YouTube. I feel fine about this. [almost.]

Case o8.
-My sister's wedding is t-minus 2 weeks away. I should be more excited, but I just can't bring myself to be.
I already feel awful for the fact that all my smiles in the pictures might be forced. Heaven help us.
On a side note, I have three weddings this spring and I plan on being ridiculously good looking and would like a little arm candy for the occasions. Any takers?

Case o9.
- I'm currently suffering through a mild case of tattoo regret. I'm sure it will be gone soon.

It is 1am and I am more awake then I've been the majority of the day but I think this is good enough for now--
new years resolution :: don't make any resolutions pertaining to blogging more regularly.

P.S. I had a bean and cheese burrito at 9am for breakfast today. If that's not convincing proof I should have been born mexican, I'm not sure what is...

2010-01-07T22:50:00.000-08:00

Are you just a waste of my energy?
Or am I just wasting your time?

2009-12-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

All of you, is more than enough
for all of me.
For every thirst and every need
you satisfy me.
With your love.

and all I have in you
Is more than enough.

- my eyes are to the point where they hurt from crying so much.
If this is living the dream, then someone please wake me up.

Positive Reinforcement

2009-11-30T14:24:00.000-08:00

I have decided that my reward for finishing this semester will be a [small] tattoo.

Suddenly, I have so much more will to finish.

Famous Last Words.

2009-11-24T00:41:00.000-08:00

Lately there have been a few sentences here and there that catch my ear and make me turn my head...
I guess I just want to capture them and keep them somewhere safe, together forever.

It takes two to go to war, but only one to fall in love.

I'll be your record baby, but don't play me.

Any man who knows a thing knows he knows not a thing at all.

Sometimes you have to let go to see if there's anything worth holding onto to begin with.

College is breaking my spirit. Everyday, telling me things I don't know. It's making me feel stupid.

I can finally see, that you're right there beside me.
I am not my own.
For I have been made new.
Please don't let me go.
I desperately need you.

2009-11-22T15:49:00.000-08:00

How am I suppose to study when all I can do is dream?
Thanks a lot...

2009-11-18T07:19:00.000-08:00

It's days like these that really have me questioning who the crap I think I'm kidding, and if I think I really can accomplish any of this. . .
I hate feeling so disheartened, but, really-- How the crap am I going to do this? I feel "behind", "slow", and frankly "stupid". Sitting at lunch Sunday, the majority of people being my age, everyone was talking about how they're almost done- last semester or so of school --and that's great for them; they have worked hard and long and deserve this:: but I can't help but feel jealous of their place as I slog through my second semester, knowing at least 8 more await.

Wow.
Eight.

--Annnnd. Forget all this crap.
I can totally do this. I WILL do this.
I just talked to my Dad.
Thanks for the pep-talk, I miss you too. See you in December...

MLIA

2009-11-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

Possibly my newest time-waster. But I can't help it, it makes me smile. Here are a few favorites from the past few days:

Today I told my husband I am pregnant. His response? We should talk to the baby for the first 3 years of it's life in a British accent, just so it can adapt it and be the cool kid at school.
I knew I picked the right guy.

My brother-in-law's sister recently had a baby. They were going to call her Elizabeth Pippa Isabelle Collins, but decided to leave Isabelle out. I have never been more disappointed; I couldn't wait to meet little EPIC.

Today, I was walking in the hallway while I should've been in class when my principle walked past me. I quickly did a somersault, hid behind a wall, and noticed he had disappeared. When I turned around, he was standing behind me and said "you're not the only ninja here." and walked away.

Today, I decided to test the Google vs. Yahoo war. I typed in "Glitter is." Yahoo gave me, "All that glitter is not gold." Google said, "Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." The winner is obvious.

Today, I went to Subway with my Grandpa. When it was time to pay, the employee asked, "And are you two together?" My Grandpa replied, "Yeah, people say she's a little young for me, but I like her just fine." Best. Grandpa. Ever.

Today, the copy machine at my office started having problems. My hands got covered in ink. Instead of just cleaning them off I made hand prints on pieces of paper and wrote "high five" on them. I then went around the office taping them up. Later I came back and one had been moved about 2 feet down, 'high five' had been crossed out, and someone had written 'down low.'

Today I noticed a sign hanging in my school with little slips of paper hanging from the bottom. Expecting someone had lost something and was giving out their number incase it was found, I moved in to read it. The real message? "Free little slips of paper". I took one.

Today, I searched "my future husband" on Mystery Google. I got Optimus Prime as a result. You're all invited to the wedding.

Today, I realized that the word "huddle" is a combination of the words "hug" and "cuddle." Suddenly the football teams huddles seem a lot less manly.

Today I took my little sisters friend home for the first time. The girls parents were in the yard and as she hopped out of the car she yell "Thanks for the ride kind stranger sorry I couldn't help you find your dog but thanks for the free candy!" Her dad looked afriad. Her mom couldn't stop laughing.

-there are so many more, but I need to go be productive. thank you MLIA, you're grrrrrrate!

Declare Yourself

2009-11-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to do homework, but my mind is not to be captured tonight. Too many thoughts of things, past and present, possible and impossible.

...It's almost worse knowing now, because I KNOW.

There is a part of me that wishes I was still in the stage of guessing, miserable as that is. But now, there is a part of me, whispering, "Go ahead. Dream." and it is creating a flurry in my heart. I am a snow globe and I have been shaken. And it is beautiful to see, but chaotic all the same.

I am challenged tonight.

To be above reproach. To do this as honorably as possible. To continue to be myself. To not do what I want to do, which is avoid this at all costs for fear of being hurt or disappointed.

Oh Father, creator of all mystery and all things good: I'm scared. I am terrified of what may or may not be. God, let me rest in the peace that all things are from you, and to trust in your timing, perfect and pleasing to you that is it. Oh God, more than anything, this is about you. A representation of you, centered on you. The weight of that is a burden I want to carry, but I am so scared to try.

My goal, for the next 6 months at least, is to be as little of a distraction as possible. What ever that looks like, what ever that may be; I will do whatever it takes to honor my commitment.

I will set to mind once again to things I have already planned for this year, and not be distracted or lead astray. I will continue to grow myself to be the best possible to reach the broadest impact and live my life as a daily testimony to the redemptive love Christ has cleansed me with and has given me the ability to do the same upon others.

-consider this is my will and testimony.

A Wrinkle in Time

2009-11-13T23:38:00.000-08:00

When did those wrinkles show up and when did he begin to look so worn?

When did my Dad's appearance turn old?

I hope those wrinkles are from laughter. Sorry for the ones I gave you due to worry. I love you Pops.
happy birthday.

Confessional

2009-11-10T20:54:00.001-08:00

I can't believe I'm admitting this.
Tonight in math class I found myself doodling a certain someone's name in my notebook, complete with hearts and stars.

No, I'm not kidding.
I wish I was.

What am I?
9?

Worst part?
My class buddy, Danielle, catching me and asking "Who's...?

I am now convinced that awkwardness is being caught while in a college class doodling the name of the boy you like.

don't you dare say a word.

Til We Have Faces

2009-11-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

So here's what I'm working with kids.
Tonight I started a mock up for my left sleeve [!].

It will be a smattering of each of these art works, combined to display places and people without faces. A representation of new life and decay. The city and the fields.
I am excited to keep working it out and adding and subtracting until it's just right.

I could not be more pleased.
-and yet,
at the same time,
there is a
small,
nagging
voice in the back of my head,
questioning,
what if "he"
doesn't like tattoos, or girls with sleeves?
What if
"he"
doesn't think you're lovely anymore after you get them?

Which of course lead into the ever currently popular "what if" I've been struggling with lately:
... I go somewhere else next year for school? Will I miss out on him? Will I lose my chance? What if we never meet? What if he's sitting right beside me and I'm too busy looking to not even see him?
What if I push him away, not realizing he is the one I'll want to hold me close twenty years from now?
and most scary:
What if I'm alone forever?
[Or:
Should I just downsize to that twin size bed now?]

But, from these thoughts, I walked away, I scrubbed my face, and I'm going to remember to live my life for the here and now.
I will not let my life's choices be ruled by an imaginary "what if" boyfriend/fiance/husband.

How quickly I forget.

What does it matter?
What does "he" matter?

"He"

doesn't.
at least, not til he has a face.

oh, perspective.

Or...

2009-11-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

just put your eyes on the prize.
focus, focus.

haha- I'm so fickle! [also known as being a female/human]

2009-11-03T21:21:00.000-08:00

Ew.
I am pathetic.
I need to get over this, stat.
Why do I do this to myself.

Settle, settle. . .

I am wrestling

2009-10-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

with Jacob wrestling with God, the preincarnate Christ.

Genesis 32.

I want to understand it deeper;
the cause, the effect, the meaning, the significance.

As much as Residency leaves me questioning and searching for more, this morning I felt at a loss when we left, feeling like it wasn't explained nearly as much as I need it to be.
I feel like wresting with God could have a lot to do with finding your Holy Discontent(Nehemiah)...

(felt, feeling, feel. ew ew ew. who AM I?)

Here's a little of what my morning research has procured from online commentaries...

[24] And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.

Very early in the morning, a great while before day. Jacob had helped his wives and children over the river, and he desired to be private, and was left alone, that he might again spread his cares and fears before God in prayer. While Jacob was earnest in prayer, stirring up himself to take hold on God, an angel takes hold on him. Some think this was a created angel, one of those that always behold the face of our Father. Rather it was the angel of the covenant, who often appeared in a human shape, before he assumed the human nature. We are told by the prophet, Hosea 12:4, how Jacob wrestled, he wept and made supplication; prayers and tears were his weapons. It was not only a corporal, but a spiritual wrestling by vigorous faith and holy desire.

[25] And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.

The angel prevailed not against him - That is, this discouragement did not shake his faith, nor silence his prayer. It was not in his own strength that he wrestled, nor by his own strength that he prevails; but by strength derived from heaven. That of Job illustrates this, Job 23:6. Will he plead against me with his great power? No; had the angel done so, Jacob had been crushed; but he would put strength in me: and by that strength Jacob had power over the angel, Hosea 12:3. The angel put out Jacob's thigh, to shew him what he could do, and that it was God he was wrestling with, for no man could disjoint his thigh with a touch. Some think that Jacob felt little or no pain from this hurt; it is probable that he did not, for he did not so much as halt 'till the struggle was over, Genesis 32:31, and if so, that was an evidence of a divine touch indeed, which wounded and healed at the same time.

[26] And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

Let me go — The angel, by an admirable condescension, speaks Jacob fair to let him go, as God said to Moses, Exodus 32:10. Let me alone. Could not a mighty angel get clear of Jacob's grapples? He could; but thus he would put an honour upon Jacob's faith and prayer. The reason the angel gives why he would be gone is because the day breaks, and therefore he would not any longer detain Jacob, who had business to do, a journey to go, a family to look after.

And he said, I will not let thee go except thou bless me — He resolves he will have a blessing, and rather shall all his bones be put out of joint, than he will go away without one. Those that would have the blessing of Christ must be in good earnest, and be importunate for it.

[27] And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.

What is thy name? — Jacob (saith he) a supplanter, so Jacob signifies. Well, (faith the angel) be thou never so called any more: thou shalt be called Israel, a prince with God. He is a prince indeed, that is a prince with God; and those are truly honourable that are mighty, in prayer. Yet this was not all; having, power with God, he shall have power with men too; having prevailed for a blessing from heaven, he shall, no doubt, prevail for Esau's favour. Whatever enemies we have, if we can but make God our friend, we are well enough; they that by faith have power in heaven, have thereby as much power on earth as they have occasion for.

[29] And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.

Wherefore dost thou ask after my name? — What good will it do thee to know that? The discovery of that was reserved for his death-bed, upon which he was taught to call him Shiloh. But instead of telling him his name, he gave him his blessing, which was the thing he wrestled for; he blessed him there, repeated and ratified the blessing formerly given him. See how wonderfully God condescends to countenance and crown importunate prayer? Those that resolve though God slay them, yet to trust in him, will at length be more than conquerors.

[30] And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.

Peniel — That is, the face of God, because there he had seen the appearance of God, and obtained the favour of God.

[31] And as he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.

He halted on his thigh — And some think he continued to do so to his dying day. If he did, he had no reason to complain, for the honour and comfort he obtained by his struggle was abundantly sufficient to countervail the damage, though he went limping to his grave.

I can't help but wonder what his wives thought when they saw him coming, with a limp that had never been there before. Did he tell them that he'd wrestled with God? Was he more quiet then typical? Did he even fully understand the implication of his name being changed?

As I look into Jacob's life, I can't help but see the symbolic future of difficulties and struggles for the nation Israel.::

He struggles in the promised land, and out of it. He hates his brother Esau, deceives his father, is deceived by his father-in-law, is honest in his twenty years of service, runs away instead of leaving peaceably, fears his brother and not the Lord. His daughter is raped, his favorite son is sold, his wife dies in child birth and he holds so tightly to the second favorite son that his elder son is imprisoned for a year. He falls over and over, rarely seeming a strong leader, yet God, being perfect in all things, gives him blessing after blessing, including him in the Abrahamic covenant, because it is God's sovereign election and will.

Your offspring shall be like the dust of the earth, and you shall spread abroad to the west and to the east and to the north and to the south, and in you and your offspring shall all the families of the earth be blessed. Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Genesis 28:14-15

--There is still so much more I want to learn about this, but I have school and work, and I'm already behind...

Pray for me as I wrestle through this, and I will keep you lifted up also...

lovelovelove

-m.

2009-10-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

Oh good grief. the anticipation is killing me. this is awful. why did i ever agree to this?

2009-10-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

<3

like, x's eight.

yeah.
You're welcome.

Middle Name

2009-09-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

Over-commited.
or
Failure at Life.

Or both.

iTunes

2009-09-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

Best day ever. Stowers is available again on iTunes.
Praise baby Jesus.

2009-09-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

I am discontent with my discontentedness.

My heart is so restless it's a wonder it's still in my chest cavity.

Reading Respectable Sin, I got a charming reminder that anxiety and worry is a sin. It's pretty much saying "God, I know you have taken care of me thus far, and I know you promise to do good; but I just don't trust you. So I'm going to waste my time, not thinking on things of you, but instead spending time worrying about the plan you already have made for me."

It's like worrying about what to make for dinner when you already know you're going to a dinner party.

P.s. Did I mention I love fall and Thanksgiving?

2009-09-23T23:31:00.000-07:00

I will no doubt regret this in the morning.

Durah-MAH[!]

2009-09-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

I would like

2009-09-18T16:18:00.000-07:00

a new tattoo.

No, I'm not kidding.

Fun Mom

2009-09-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

How is it that this week I became a lesbian partner, taking care of five children while attending school full time and doing seminary, along with working a part time job and volunteering at the thrift store?...

I don't have time to contemplate this, I have homework to do before it's my turn to go pick up the kids[from church]...

p.s. if that cat doesn't stop crying... I'm just saying, I have in mind to give it something to cry about...

Slice of Heaven

2009-09-14T01:35:00.000-07:00

If we're going to be honest, more often than not, I bag on Fresno like there is nothing right in this city. Which, maybe there isn't, but I'd like to be a little more thankful all around and grateful for what I've been given.

In no perticular order...

o1. -baaahahahah ok, so I just sat here for a few minutes staring at my screen, wondering what to put.
Come on now, there must be something to be thankful for....

I am thankful for my family. They are a blessing to live with and a joy to be around. I love them.

I am thankful for cool summer nights.

I am thankful for Teazers.

I am thankful for the friends I have here.

I am thankful for the Well and the community of believers I get to be a part of.

I am thankful for the day to day challenges. If I'm being challenge, I know I'm growing.

I am thankful for the $3 theater and Barnes and Nobel.

I am thankful for Aqua and Ocean.

I am thankful to be a part of Residency this year.

I am thankful for the opportunity to work with kids at the thrift store.

I am thankful that I can express myself through art.

I am thankful that I'm known for being a woman of few compliments, so then, when I do say something, there is high value.

I am thankful for tattoos and people who love tattoos.

I am thankful to have a job and school[holler!].

Ok, well that felt like a good start- maybe more to come over time?

2009-09-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

Great job managing to dodge the bullet yet again.

Way to not stand up or be a man.
You are ridiculous.
Why did I even think to give you a chance?
What a joke.
Literally.

2009-09-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

It is a terrifying day, ladies and gentlemen, when Lands End apparel is listed as "Fashion".

Today is that day.

In a closely related story, hell has now frozen over.

Oh Pandora...

2009-09-08T11:09:00.001-07:00

Really Pandora? You think if I'm listening to Peter Adams Bradley, that I will want to listen to Celtic Thunder?

Mostly you are wonderful, but sometimes I really wonder just who the cuss programed you...

2009-09-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

On a scale of 1 to 10, how worried should I be when:

a) a friend and her husband(whom I've never met prior to last night) decide that I should be dating the husband's best friend, due in large majority part that they feel we both end up dating really jerkoffish lame people, so therefore maybe we could end the trend for each other because they think we're both great.

b) I am asked emphatically by a not very close friend as to why exactly I broke with my ex- and why I'm not dating anyone currently.

c) I am flirted with by gay men who I do not know, who claim a mild atrocity to the fact that I don't have a boyfriend.

d) I am offered by people I hardly even know to be set up with someone, as they are great matchmakers and already have someone in mind.

I mean, sure it's sweet that people care and want others to be happy(I guess), but at the same time, I can't help but get defensive, wondering why they can't just leave well enough alone.
Right now all I want to be desiring is God--to pursue my relationship and understand of him, and to encourage others in their race.
It's hard enough living with myself to not focus on the relationship I'm lacking right now, much more when others keep poking their noses and thoughts into my private life.
I can't help it.
It pisses me off.
ugg.[the sound, not the boots]

God, grant me grace in these situations, to have kind words, to be thankful that others care so much about my well being to be wishing great love in my life...help me to be patient to rely on your timing and will, help me not cloud it up with my own. Father, I thank you and praise you, for even if I never meet a man to call my better half, I know that having you is more than enough.

ZJVG

2009-09-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

One year.

-I can't help but think 'Would you be proud to know me today?'.

p.s.
You still owe me those flight lessons.

p.s.s.
I miss you.

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose. -Jim Elliot

Shopping List:

2009-08-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

o1. Imogen Heap 'Ellipse'

o2. Non-jean pants for my new job

o3. A notebook for school

o4. Paper to reline my dresser drawers

o5. A subscription to Art in a Box (http://artinabox.net/about)

o6. A new journal for RESIDENCY[!]

o7. White candles for my room

o8. Art for my room

o9. Motivation

... meet you at the store?

One is the loneliest number

2009-08-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

I would like to see both of these movies.
But I currently have no one to go with me.
So I might just go by myself.

De-pressing.

Betcha can't have just one...

2009-08-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

I am in desperate want of a new tattoo.

So much so that I might go get a small one tomorrow.

No no no no no, of course I can stop when ever I want.

Life

2009-08-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

is going back into cord...
--is that a statement?

well, whatever, it's how it is.

school, bills payed off with money left over, moved into the new house, got a job at the first interview of the season with interest from another company, residency starts in less than a week. Tomorrow I need to call neighborhood thrift to make a schedule... tri-tip and bomb.com salad for dinner.

today was a nice day.
-minus the headache that's been around for now days.
Thank you God for loving us enough to bless us, big and small.

and p.s. everyone: summer nights are the valley's best kept secret.

When life's in discord

2009-08-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

praise the Lord.

wow. not been so good at doing that lately.
Instead, I find myself falling back into the patterns and things I use to do.

The things I want to do, I do not do, but what I do not want to do, this I keep on doing.

Tonight was the first night back at the Well for me in quite some time and I felt brand new. I need to really try and get better connected this year. It's a challenge though, with people coming who don't even live in this area, or city- and I feel like there's so many different faces every time. I felt like I was looking forward to a small group this year, but every one of interest to me was being lead on tuesday or thursday night. boo.
I decided on a midweek at the Well--at least then I only have to try and get a work schedule to accommodate three nights off. I know that ultimately, God will place me wherever he wants me, working whatever shift he wants me to work... I'm just hoping to help that process along by not making it more difficult.

I want a job.
I have yet to figure out where the money will come to pay septembers bills and Lord knows, being responsible is a heavy weight I carry on my shoulders and take very seriously. The idea of not having a means of income to provide for myself is terrifying and the thing those nightmares that scare me straight awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from a dead slumber are made from.
--As is the fact that my eyes are tearing up right now due to frustration with my situation and my poor choices that got me into some of these places and the fact that some of my great ideas to get out of this mess are just not panning out. trash.

I want to travel.
--ok, ok, we can call it what it really is:
me wanting to run away from responsiblity and live the life of a vegabond.

--is that really so bad?
I mean, it worked pretty well for...well...you know- those people!
But honestly, I don't even really want to be in this country.
--Spain, anyone?

I think what I'm mostly scared of is how hard I know this year is going to be.
I already feel so increadibly challenged by satan and all the things he's been throwing at me, and I know the deeper I get into residency and God's word, the harder I'm going to be hit.
I know that I need to charge myself up now in prep for it and to battle it now, but I can't seem to find the heart for it.

[WHAT IS THIS?!]

This me that I've been the past few days is not someone I've been in quite some time and I hate that she's back. Go away old self!
If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation- the old has gone and the new has come!
I cling to this fact, and want it to be truth.

I know that I don't need to worry about my needs, because my Father knows them all and provides for me.
I know I don't need to be concerned with how things will work out, because He knows the plan He's had for my life since before the beginning of time
and they are GOOD.
What I find most difficult in it all is that, even though I know it- I don't always claim it in truth and trust it for the goodness it is.
I am a 'little-faiths'.

This is going to be a tough year, I can feel it. But my God is stronger and I will cling to the cross when the waves get high. Because you don't tell God how big your storm is, but rather, tell you storms how big your God is.

.selah

Inked.

2009-08-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

My english class this semester requires that you have 3x5 cards, post-its, highlighters, and black and blue ink pens.

I hate blue ink pens--
and spending money on something I hate is not something I'm willing to do.
Sorry Mrs. Blasingame.

Things I Don't Understand

2009-08-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

Toe rings.

And the fact that everyone and their mom at Willow International has a Ford Mustang.

That's all.

psych!

2009-08-16T23:04:00.001-07:00

After now having the privilege of watching Psych with Ashlyn this morning before church whilst munching on french toast [made by yours truly], I will now take the statement, "You're funny like Shawn on Psych", for the compliment it is.
And, as Nina pointed out, it's always a compliment to be told you're funny like a guy.

Done and done.

May I introduce

2009-08-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

for your listening pleasure:

You're welcome.

Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!

2009-08-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

...Complete with romance, heartbreak, sword fights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you'd actually want to read...

2009-08-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

What is this? Blast from the past Thursday?

No, thank you.

It seemed like every where I turned today, some one from my past was walking up to me...

One even had the gaul to wear the exact same yellow american apparel sweatshirt that I have.

How embarrassing.

Two more days.

Ashlyn Blake

2009-08-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

makes my heart glad.

This morning we went kayaking on the lake together, which of course became a splash fight, which then in turn got me soaking wet(but not my hair! good job on aiming, Ash!).

I love laughing in nature because when it echos, it seems to last forever.

Curmudgeon

2009-08-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

It's been far too long since I wrote, but I won't even try and capture the moments of summer.

There were moments bright and beautiful, but it also had it's dark and stormy. Here were a few to mark memory:

I made friends, I lost friends, I became one.

I am now a confident city driver [ just give me some directions.].

I learned how much I truly love the ocean.

I found that I don't guard my heart as much as I should.

I now know where to find the best [in my opinion] carne asada in San Diego.

I broke my first bone[!].

The show Shamu Rocks really does rock.

I've been having anxiety attacks again, after years of silencing them.

I don't know how I'm going to pay for school, but I'm trusting that if it's what God wants, it will work.

Even after almost a year, I still constantly miss my brother.

I can't believe I'm so ok with admitting this, but I really like country now.

I went to 4 concerts this summer, more than I've been to since I moved to California, and only paid for 2 of them. Thank you awesome friends.

I've being learning to stop being ashamed of what I am and to instead embrace my differences and remember that I, just as much as they, am made in the image of Christ.

I am blessed with incredibly generous and hospitable people in my life, and I finally sat back this summer and accepted their gifts.

This fall I'm living in Fresno, taking 16 units, doing Residency, hoping for a part-time job and planning to volunteer hours at Community Thrift. Some might call this crazy; I call it following God's will.

I still have a love/hate relationship with lined journals. and blue ink pens(that one's just a hate).

"And any man who knows a thing knows he knows not a thing at all."

I don't know what I'm doing next year, but I hope it takes me out of the country.

I'm too distracted to think about writing in any sort of paragraph form, sorry.

It was hard to be up at Hume where I constantly feel like a "bad" person for having piercing and a tattoo. Thankfully I fully believe that old convenient is old, and has been replaced with the new.

The strap on my beautiful purple purse is ripping. boo.

I'm going to attempt to have some semblance of a budget this year. Here's to hoping for saving money?

My good friend Steve graduated from Air Force boot camp with flying colors and the love and respect of his other corp men. Am I really surprised? No. I am blessed to call him friend.

I am sitting with my friend Hannah in Starbucks. We're a slightly embarrassing sight, as we are both on our computers with earbuds in. wow. Welcome to America.

I can't even focus right now- what is wrong with me? My heart is glad to be in Fresno (yay for Residency meeting! and Jessica coming!), but anxious to be here for good. I am ready to start this next chapter of life--I feel like I've lit the pages of this last one on fire... I don't even know how to explain that.

These past few weeks, John has been a book of imagery for me.

Dark and light.

Am I light or am I dark?

[if we're just talking skin tones, for once in my life I'm dark]

Do I love the things of the darkness, or am I the light that exposes them?

I want to be the light. It's my heart's desire to shine bright, but often times I find myself more a sooty old bulb, almost burnt out, but flickering, fighting for life.

This is not a battle I'm willing to give into.

I want to chase the lion.

I want to chase God.

I want to be a lamp on a hill.

Let this new beginning be one of integrity, purpose and heart, O Lord my God. May I follow you and find you more real then ever before. Help me to daily remember the sacrifice of the cross and let that be the motivation of all my actions, that I will love others as you love them, that they will see you in me.

Oh Father, you are good and your love is better than life.

Selah.

breakfast club word of the morning:

Curmudgeon. Noun. :A miser or an ill-tempered (and frequently old) person full of stubborn ideas or opinions.

-what I WILL NOT grow up to be

Something new...

2009-08-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

...like, a post.

Tomorrow.

Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be a long one.

[no promises on it being good or not.]

2009-05-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

[I'm keeping my mouth shut.]
[For now.]

Really? Again?

2009-05-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

hmmmmm...

how do I feel about this?

Survey says:
undecided.

[like other things in my life.]

It's flattering, for sure. But I mean, really? REALLY?!
Lightening always strikes twice.
Or is it Lightening never strikes twice.?
I should probably find out sooner rather than later before this gets messy.

I just have to know though Facebook, are you are secretly eHarmony.com? If eHarmony.com doesn't actually exist outside of Facebook, I'ma be pissed!

[change of topic:]

...finals are almost over, new friends are being made, old friendships renewed, sd is almost here, bills are somehow getting paid, i have a tan[!], Ashlyn turned 16 and got a hamster and a goldfish, I'm beginning to truly love my mom, my God's love is real...

So many things[and then some] to be thankful for.

selah.

2009-05-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

Who is she looking at?

awesome.

2009-05-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

touch me. tell me that you love me.

yeah. that's pretty much how I'm feeling right now.
and for the past who knows how many days.

and all I want is what I see everyone else having.

this lack of self and mountains of self-doubt are not cute. thanks a lot satan.

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
2 chronicles 7

[get me out of here.]

2009-05-15T13:59:00.001-07:00

I'm convinced I should just start paying rent to Starbucks.

You're going to love this

2009-05-14T10:59:00.001-07:00

Ok, shallow/rude/cocky/narcissistic/mean comment coming:
ready for it?

Do they really think they have a chance?

We are young, vivacious, charming, intelligent, talented, fashionable, wise, funny, cute, yes, even beautiful, young women.
Stunning really.
All of us.

I mean, Who are they kidding?

And

2009-05-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

another thing, that goes hand in hand with the last post I feel.

When is God good?

All the time.
All.
The.
Time.
He is always good, and his will for you, though not always comfortable, is always good.

I have some beef on this- mostly because of one friend in particular, who, when things are going well, that is to say, when things make sense and seem as he wants/had anticipated his life to be, will sing the praises of God, and His goodness, to the high heavens--
but in the moments, or sometimes months, of life, when God is not doing "good", or providing in ways this simple man understands, God goes un-praised. Not only for the little things in life, but there is no thankfulness for the testing God has brought upon him.

...And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. --Romans 5

As much as I've got beef with this wishy-washy-ness of my friend, I feel I'm so bothered by it because I know it plagues me too at times... I want to face all things with perseverance, to develop more fully in me a character of Christ...

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: REJOICE!...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. --Philippians 4

...When we pray, presenting our requests to God, with thankful spirits, the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds. Our hearts. The wellspring of our life.
wow.
WOW.
That is so good.

...working on it...

selah.

When

2009-05-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

is God still God?

These are words I seem to be getting challenged on almost daily of late. And though my answer from my head is "Always.", sometimes my heart has a hard time believing it in earnest and, not that I necessarily need to be "ok" with it, sometimes I have a hard time relinquishing control and saying "THY will be done." ...

Most recent case in point, as of last night:
One of my favorite people in the whole world, Nina Bell, is going through hell right now. Her dad, fondly known as Uncle Meanie-head to many of us, Mark to others, has been laying in a hospital bed since Friday. He has a disease in his blood, a bacteria common to everyone on their skin, that doctors suspect got into his blood because, as a diabetic, he rarely uses alcohol swabs when doing his testing, and so this bacteria has made it's home somewhere it does not belong. It has traveled through his body in these past few days, and it has completely infiltrated his brain, causing failure of his kidneys and liver, and his lungs don't know how to breath well on their own anymore. He is no longer able to speak and can't open his eyes, which, even if he could, he doesn't really know who his family is, much less, anything else that is happening. The disease seems to spread faster when ever his body is jostled, even in the slightest way, so moving him to another hospital for different treatment isn't even an option.
If he can pull out of this, he will never be the same.

So we sit around and wait.

We wait for God to reveal his will.

And we wonder, Why?
Of course, actually asking this makes us bad christians, so no one really says it out loud, but it all lays heavy in the air... Why? Not even necessarily a needy way either, needing Mark to be well and everything go back the same, but a need to understand,
where is your glory in this GOD?
Show us how your will is being revealed in this, and how this is all for the honor of your kingdom.

Of course, go figure that just this past week in church, we were taught Daniel 3. The image of gold and the fiery furnace.
Anyone who's grown up in church remembers the flannel graphs- 3 little men, not bowing to a statue, being tied up, thrown into a fireplace-looking-thing, having a fourth man join them, walking out, and having the king honor their God that saved them.

...in verse 13, after having already not bowed to the idol, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah are giving a second chance by the king to bow. You can almost see Nebuchadnezzar speaking very slowly, as if to someone very stupid: "Now. When you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipes and all kind of music, if you are ready to fall down and worship the image I made, very good. But if you do not worship it, you will be thrown immediately into a blazing furnace. Then what god will be able to rescue you from my hand?"
The boys had already known what was going to happen by not bowing, but they were offered an opportunity to take it back, a do over, if you will, to deny their god and save their own live. Awfully sweet of King Nebbie, don't you think?

vs. 16- Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

There was no question in the boys minds of if their God was able to save them, but rather, if he willing...

But even if he does not.

Are you able to really say that? To say, even if my Lord does not save me from these life circumstances, I will not follow another God or love Him any less, because I will trust him to do what's best for me. And not my will, but THY will, be done.

vs. 27- the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.
Amazing how God can bring us through life, with not even a trace of what's happened. We are unaffected. If we trust him to protect us.

vs. 28- Then Nebuchadnezzar said, Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God.
Is anyone going to say that about me? Praise be to the God of Melody, who has trusted in him, and lived life serving and worshiping to the fullest...

So to bring it back full circle- is God always God. or is he only God to you when things are going well, or maybe, only when things are bad so you blame it on him... When is God god to you? Is he God to you today? Has he only been God for a few hours, or has he be in control all day? - and p.s. let's be honest, these are more questions aimed at challenging me than anyone else in particular....

Life is full of hard lessons isn't it?
On a lighter note though, hanging out with Nin last night, sure, my eyes were watering as we talked about her Dad, but I loved that we were also able to laugh.
Because, I mean, come on, I'm funny. Of course you're going to laugh when you're around me. My favorite quote of the night was "Who needs makeup remover when all you do is cry all the time? Way to save me money tears!"[tweet.]
yeah. being with Nin was great. She lets me be me, and I never feel like I am disappointing her by the things I say or do, but at the same time, she, more than most, would I heed thoughts of change if she saw something in my character that was not in line.

Ok, at this point I feel like I'm rambling. I have lots of homework to do before finals next week- only three more days on campus!! But who's counting?
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far- be praying for Nin and her fam and I'll keep you informed as to what's going on...

...But even if he does not.

selah.

Almost

2009-05-13T00:10:00.000-07:00

@Ninsbro. Who needs make up remover when all you do is cry all the time anyway? Thanks for saving me money tears.
tweet.

Tomorrow I'm going to post a good one kids.
...I would tonight, but it's late and I think that a healthy antidote to all that I've been dealing with lately may be a good nights sleep...

1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep,...

Truth?.

2009-05-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

"See what I had to put up with?!"

-my worst nightmare.

vocalized tonight.

And I'll tell myself it wasn't intentional. That is was only a joke.
But isn't there a little bit of truth in all jests?

I hope not.

--and this goes so much deeper into me than I care to write.
What do you call an invisible fiend?

selah.

hmmm...

2009-05-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

Your great love is like THE NOTEBOOK. Even if you break up , you always wind up back together again and you and your lover are actually really really close.

-wow. thank you for that insight into my future, facebook.

But let's be realistic, how do I feel about this?

Answer: Not good.
...So maybe sometimes I find myself reading into nothingness...
I bet my watchamacallit- yeah, you know what I'm talking about-- from the paper. What are they called again?- Horoscope. -Yes. I bet if I read mine right now, I could some how make it fit my life. Because that's what we do, isn't it? Morph it to fit what we believe about ourselves... because we want to find truth in them. We want to believe them. Even when you're a skeptic, like us Aries. Isn't it funny how even though we know better, we sometimes find ourselves caught up in them in the most non-committal way? And not that I really take it for truth, but. I mean. I read it and then go on with my day. It's not like I plan my day because of it, or consider my life's path through it. But still.
Guilty Pleasures anyone?

meh.

That is all.

Just coffee...

2009-05-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

He texted me tonight to see if I'd get coffee with him at some point this week.

Part of me is willing and feels completely fine with the idea. -We're friends. Adults. Mature(well, one of us at least). We can do this, right? It's what friends do. Get coffee together. Right?

The other part of me is saying, "This is a very bad idea, buckaroo."

I am as yet undecided.

...to be continued...

selah.

continuation (1059pm)
Verdict:
1030am tomorrow at riverpark.

anyone want to join us?

awkward.

selah.

even more continuation(5/05 909pm)
Conclusion:
It was fine.
I guess.

I don't feel like this will be happening again very soon.

selah.

...and so we begin [again]

2009-05-03T23:29:00.000-07:00

Whelp kids, here we are. I've moved into the new place, and made it my own. Sorta. I'm still working on it... give it time.

Anyway, I feel like I have so much I want to share, but I'm overwhelmed with it all, and I don't really know where to start except to say that the past month has been so hard and amazing and shattering and breath-taking...

and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

God has been doing a work in my heart that I've never had an experience like before, and frankly, it's AMAZING. I feel like I can't stop smiling because I love feeling myself change, seeing my character being molded to be more like Christ [I hope], and learning to see as God does. Granted, I've probably cried more in the last month then I have in the whole past year, but tears are cleansing, right? Or at least, cleaning when it comes to the shedding of my mascara...
Obama, I gotta give you props man-- you're right, change is good.

In a nutshell, what I've been learning is to grasp the truth that God is my everything. I mean, sure, we all hear it in church: "Jesus is all you need.", "Christ, my everything." blah blah blah..., but really, do you believe it? Do you trust in it for the truth that it is and the freedom it brings?

Clearly I wasn't, as it took Jesus stripping me of so many things I was holding dear to my bosom (hmm, hello energizer. I'll probably decide to change it before I actually post this. hello, harmonizer.) for me to open up my heart and accept it for the truth that it is. I mean, seriously; within one week, I felt God telling me to say goodbye to the boyfriend, say hello to a huge car repair which meant no more tax return money to pay off other debts and buy a ticket to see my friend in Missouri, was told by my mother that she was "disappointed" in me for breaking up with said boyfriend[really Mom?], even after I told her all my really good reasons for ending it... lost the job, and all motivation/direction in life seemed to have flown out the window. And during this whole time, I couldn't stop wishing Zach was next to me to tell me it was all going to be ok.

Awesome.

Not.

[p.s. for the uninformed, Zach was my brother/great friend who beat me to Jesus' side Sept 1st and sometimes I have a hard time coping with life without him backing me up...]

Frankly, those 3 days of everything falling were terrible. Three days of numbness that was excruciatingly painful (yeah, try and figure that one out kids.) Honestly, I was so emotionally drained, that physically I didn't even feel like moving. Just simply walking to the bathroom felt like hiking Everest [and probably took me just as long to reach the end point]. Ridiculous.

Not gonna lie, I let that bratty little whiny baby that says "Why are you doing this to me God? Why all this right now? You've got to be kidding me? What have I done wrong?[p.s., asking this question could lead to very long conversations with Jesus, as a majority of bad things you've done, in just the past few days, will flood your mind.] have a run with my mind for awhile. Here's a hint faithful reader, this is always a mistake. It will never make you feel better. Even in that instant.
NEVER.

Anyway- what kept coming to mind at this point was Hebrews 12:11... "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
...So, with that verse in mind, I headed up to my friend Butter's thoroughbred breeding farm and sat out in the meadows with the mamas and their babies and let God begin to restore my broken spirit and to gently show me that He is all I need. Not Him and my well-paying job. Not Him and my boyfriend that bought me lots of flowers. Not Him and my promising future. Not Him and anything else.
In Christo Solo.
Funny how before all this, it's meaning to me was in that only through Christ's strength could I accomplish anything. Now there is a whole new dimension to it for me.
Christ Alone.
geez. What a foolish little child I am. Thank goodness my Jesus is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Ps. 86:15). And takes all kinds...

Tangent: I don't know what it is about baby animals, but man, they are meds for any heart condition... As is watching the rain turn muted browns to green... (careful all you brunettes! --oh. not funny? - clearly it's getting late as the jokes are getting lamer...)
Anyway, that's a really big nutshell, and it's only some of what I've been learning... I'll post again soon with part 2[3,4,5...]until I get it all out.
I just love love love it. I love being renewed. Man does it hurt in the moment, but it sure is good. Gosh.
How amazing that our Father loves us too much to let us stay the same.
Way to be Jesus.
Way.
To.
Be.

Alright kids, repeat after me: Love God, love others. Forget all the other bs. [just trying to keep it G ladies and gentlemen.]

Take. Luck. Take luck and care. Take care of the luck. Good luck taking care of the luck you might have, if you have luck. Take it. Care for it. Take luck care of it. When you take caaklsuiotnshoagskjgs;a!!! akljs;aoiegeknasfiorjknsadfhafs!!!

I'm sure to see you again...

selah.